Let me emphasize that, in case you didn’t quite get it. COFFEE IS VERY IMPORTANT.

In fact, if Mama don’t get her coffee, she kind of looks like this person:

HA HA you think I’m kidding? YOU SHOULD NOT THINK I’M KIDDING.

Anywho! Coffee. Important. Established. Moving on.

Our coffee maker, which we named Mr. Coffee because that’s how it came to us, stopped working oh, about two years ago. I mean, it WORKED, but it was finicky. One day it would produce lovely special coffee. The next day, it would spew beans and grounds and water and half-made coffee all over the counter, as if to say “Who’s in charge here? I AM. Behold, I am Mr. Coffee!”

So that got tiresome, quickly, but being the procrastinators masters of our own destinies that we are, we thought we could deal with it. “Maybe we’re just not grinding the beans small enough! Maybe we need to jiggle this thingy more! Maybe we need to create a Mr. Coffee altar where we can petition it daily to GIVE US SOME DAMN COFFEE WITHOUT ALL THE DRAMA ALREADY.”

Yeah, none of those things worked. It was sad, but we had to fire Mr. Coffee.

The Hubs bought us a new coffee maker, I don’t know what it’s called, but I do know this:

IT MADE COFFEE FOR ME. Twice. Without all the angry eruptions and mess and general unpleasantness. Plus, it kept it hot, VERY hot, for more than 12 minutes.

I like my new coffee maker, very much. I do. And I don’t miss the oozing mess all over my counter. But Mr. Coffee is now sitting on the kitchen table, unplugged, looking at me, making me feel guilty. I’m SORRY, Mr. Coffee! Really! Don’t look at me like that!

Sigh. Okay, let’s write a eulogy fun little poem to deal with this situation:

Hasta la Vista, Mr. Coffee

Hi Mr. Coffee
You’re so shiny!
Metal, various buttons, lights flashing on and off
I have no idea what most of this stuff does
That’s okay. Coffee is making!
Coffee is making OMG COFFEE ALL OVER COUNTER STOP IT
Mr. Coffee won’t stop it
Lots of problems, no solutions
You are not on the counter anymore.

2) You get groped. All. The. Time.

3) You might be working yourself, but hey! We’re home! Alone! Let’s PARTY!

4) Emergencies, such as “somebody gave me a bad feedback on eBay!”, take way too much energy for me to be interested in, yet he can stay up till 2 AM “resolving” them. Why the hell not, right? HE’S GOT NOTHING ELSE TO DO.

5) You have to listen to his whining about how one idea or the other is bound to work out, if you only give him time. Well, how much time are we talking about? Because it’s only been, oh, I don’t know, eight months now that you’ve been at home.

I’ve had a cold now for four days – four days of me carrying around a large toilet paper roll for instant blowing nose access, four days of drinking some kind of foul vitamin-y drink guaranteed to get me well (LIES!), four days of not being able to taste anything but the nasty Hall’s cherry cough drops in my mouth. This sucks.